Adventures in Confusion

I have this very poignant, interesting entry at least halfway done and sure enough my Open Office software is being a spoiled child and suddenly, without warning, closing down the application. Sigh. I even went to all the trouble of making bullet points below the written text to remind myself of the other things I wanted to tell you folks. Nevertheless it seems that entry isn't ready to be posted so I will elaborate slightly on the happenings of the past week.

Anxiety. I got it. It comes and goes. I find it hard to concentrate, I find it difficult to daydream and I read way too much in to everything. And by everything I mean mostly everything, one, sight, sound, overheard, under-heard and so forth. I have ways of dealing with this, mostly saying out loud to myself 'stop' and concentrating on the task at hand. My stomach is in knots at times as well, that's just poor digestion I think. Or possibly the chili I had on Wednesday. Likely the chili but with all this over-analyzing who has time for reason?

I went swimming at the Rec centre twice this week. If you don't feel you require the exercise then I suggest you go solely for the rather impressive selection of men who choose to swim there. My. God. On Monday the whole lot of them were in the 8-10 range, I saw one 6 once. Once! The others were all basking in the glow of that high range of desirable male, at least in an attractive, fit, excellent hair, sense. And we all know how much I enjoy a man with a nice head of hair!

Speaking of which, Mister. Promised me a walk this week and suggested a lunch next week. The walk is untaken. The lunch unplanned. I took it upon myself to plan a couple of hours for the two of us to go Christmas shopping for his niece and nephew. Personally I can think of not a better date then both spending his money alongside browsing childrens toys and books. I did mention out of pure desperation that I do need some progress on this before I go on vacation and suffer from mister-withdrawal for two weeks. We'll see, when it comes to Mister...there hasn't been any coming yet.

(Have not heard from Married. Miss him. Miss getting fucked on a regular basis, possibly too graphic but it's true. I have taken matters in to my own hands however it is not the same, I am so predictable with myself. Why can't he just leave the chubby wife and make the obviously better choice? DON'T answer that, I don't want to hear it.)

Ohhhhhhhhh snap! Guess what just decided to work...my good friend O squared. I will back-date that entry and post it after this one under Rockstar. Tell your friends, and their moms too.

Toronto gets cold in the winter...Torontoians forget about this. This one did. The wind? She is as bitter cold, as most of my past relationships. I bought a new coat from Lornes after work today, got 10% off just for asking and scored myself a little down filled black number that can seamlessly go from corporate to casual. Lornes has amazing stuff, Michael Kors can make one hell of a winter coat trust me. Kors has such a great eye for colour, the selection was impressive...all jewel tones; ruby, sapphire and emerald. Had I six hundred extra dollars lying around I would totally go back and get me some Kors. Instead I went with fashionable and functional.

Look at me I'm an adult!

Kind of left my passport project to the last minute and now have to scramble to get the needed document so perhaps mother and i can take a trip down to Florida in late December or early January. Mister was thinking he would go to South America over the Christmas break, he didn't invite me. I have over two weeks of vacation left and plan to use them by physically going somewhere. Over the past few years I have mostly subscribed to the 'stay-cation' and spending my vacation time up north at my parents house.

I miss my dad. I really do. In dreams he is always alive and my mother has passed on instead. WTF? It bothers me. Wrote this down for my therapy appointment next Tuesday. Next Monday I am having a birthday dinner for about a dozen of my friends at a local pub. I will post pictures, trying to get excited about it but to be honest I am exhausted from anxiety this week and can't wait to spend two and a half days up north with my mom. Sleeping in, 2.5 hours of Coronation Street on Sunday., dogs, cat, one mom and eight horses. My mom sold my dad's horse. Initially I was devastated but then realized he is going to a good home and my poor mom can't take care of everything all by herself.

Which brings us to...my brother decided to battle again with drug addiction and last week was forcibly moved out with his skanky girlfriend whom I cannot stand. Yesterday while Christmas shopping with my bestie Katya I texted him asking if he needed anything in particular for the new apartment. No response, tried calling my mom to see if she knew and she didn't answer the phone. I got slightly concerned considering she had to let out, let in, clean up after eight horses all by herself. I envisioned her bad knee giving out in the blizzard while the horses run amuck around her. I tried my brother again, girlfriend answered and I asked her if she could possibly ask my brother if he could possibly make the five minute commute to mom's for a checkup. I was civil! My brother didn't go over or call.

Today he told my mom I had 'freaked out' about her to the girlfriend last night. Bull. Shit. \He also took his dog who my mother was very attached to considering she was his main caregiver. Ugh. Which leads me to a question for you all that I have been asking around about - do you like your siblings significant others? I've gotten a mixed bag of answers, certainly it's an interesting subject non?

Hey guess what I just figured out? I easily get sucked in to the vortex of inner sadness and self pity, it wounds me and lasts for days. Then I snap out of it and realize life is kind of imperfect and beautiful in every aspect but with the correct mindset this is the only way to visually take in the beauty of it all. My therapist has decided to change her title to 'reminder' in my case. Reminding me of the beauty of life, reminding me of the art of living that I do so enjoy. I adore the daily twists and turns. Honestly.

Also we discovered together just how remarkably intuitive I am about my own feelings and 'roots' of issues. Easily are my issues traced, hurrah! My dad fixed everything. He could fix anyone and anything, oozing a sort of calm along the way. In one fellow swoop extinguishing the fire of the situation, removing any future concern by ensuring the problem didn't even have a faint pulse remaining. I strive to be this person, I feel I need to be this person and 'fix' everything.

However! Some people and some things I cannot 'fix'. I cannot make them happy, chose the forks in the road they take, push them towards greatness, calm, happy lives. It turns out, unbeknownst to me, that everyone and everything around me have their own agendas and feelings and thoughts and likely won't respond well to threat or force. Especially Mister, who remains wounded and who is obviously interested in me but still very hesitant.

No.

I can't.

This. Sucks. Unfairness overload.

You can't be me, I'm a rockstar. (Note to self: Self, marry Pharell Williams...skater rock punk urban dude who can sing and design jewelry for Louis Vuitton. Purrfect.)

Numerous muses and project starters swimming around my head , alike hundreds of cold and ambition hungry guppies. I want to grab my guitar and figure out how to both slow down and folk up T Pain songs. I spoke to my friend Steph yesterday and we spoke about Vlogging, something I may add as a weekly feature to my website/Blog thingy currently under construction. Found an amazing web designer via the Alchemy portion of Etsy.com. She is a godsend and every progress report or picture attachment gets me even more excited to get this thing going.

Adding to the excitement is also having been bestowed an amazing honour at the pink dinner party. More about that in the future, very exciting. Have new-found confidence in going public and realizing this opportunity could likely propel me in all sorts of new directions. Future forks in my winding road of adventure. I need a sprinkling of fairy dust here and there. I like a little excitement within my day. I like something interesting and foreign strewn about during my commute. This is what makes everyday just a little memorable and special. Something I am trying to concentrate on.

Hypothetically if you were walking towards me on the street and I didn't have my glasses on until about five feet away I likely wouldn't tell it was you. Unless I gained some sort on hypersmell typce disorder without my glasses I am in a world on fuzz at a distance. Driving at night before glasses? Not recommended. Driving at night now? Roadtrip? Sure!

Glasses and hair 008

I am excited can you tell? They were a small fortune but worth every penny.

Yay!

When one is diagnosed with anxiety and realizes that the majority of her brain power is used for unhealthy pursuits and thinly veiled wastes of time obviously the aftermath involves a lot of realizations. Light-bulbs everywhere! Lately my world has been plagued with them; detrimental relationships with married men, confusing companionship with friendship, relying on five drinks to turn my mood and so forth. Oh sure kiddies they all seem like obvious uh-ohs but at the time I can assure you, all brilliant persuasions.

Mentally I am not stimulated. My job is a raging bore and I sit chained to my cubicle for 8 hours a day. This is being resolved. My personal life was often full of the wrong activities and the wrong people. This too, is being resolved. I cut out caffeine, sugar and alcohol except for one drink here and there, maybe once or twice a week. Married guy is outtie...gonzo. (I miss you! I need to get _____ badly!)

All healthy progress. No embankments heeding improvement.

Sensitive? Yes actually I am. Needy? Often, however I think in a normal human way. Ambitious? Certainly, always I will aim higher. Giving? Always, especially to our fur covered earth dwellers. Dreaming, scheming, laughing, reading, talking to strangers. How many like me are out there?

The point is, and this is a big one, better sit down: the majority of society doesn't care anymore. People don't care about other people. Priorities are totally out of balance, emotions remain unconsidered, spirits no longer exist. It's just corporate zombies concerned mostly with menial tasks, trickery where happiness and fulfilment are concerned. We ask of others and sometimes they pull through and other times we fall by the wayside and it's confusion-land when feelings are hurt.

Forgive me for going a little Tony Robbins at this point but, what the fuck are half these people thinking?! The opening of mouths, without purpose, reprise or thought. Mistrust, hatred, negativity. Complaints – about everything! The weather, the food, the weekend, the job, the spouse, the kids, the movies in theatres, the media, the social networking, the schedules. Luckily for society, I have calculated why, pinpointed the exact cause of all this bullshit and issue with today's human population. Ready?

We're animals. All of us. Do we need to hunt? No. Do we need to find and build shelter? No. Water readily available? Yep. Are there huge monstrous beasts roaming the earth intending to munch on one of us or our kin for a meal? Um, no, not yet. Exactly! Without these basic human needs we are left with criticism, unhappiness, negativity, boredom, laziness, confusion of the instincts and rituals instilled in our species.

Issue! I haven't exactly been able to figure out a way to alleviate these problems however I do think recognizing the problem may be half the battle. I'll keep you posted on the remedy process. Until then, protect your kin, don't start hunting and just keep the roof over your head.

Tofu is not for all. Too many judge it on it's initial appearance upon purchase. Rubbery, pale, comes with it's own little dribble of soy-esque juices. In my experience many men are tofu resistant, that gender being often fans of the meat and potatoes variety of cuisine. There is nothing wrong with this. Tofu related ignorance can be often classified as bliss to some.

After years of perfecting my tofu related cooking abilities I have now cemented the recipe. Not only did I formulate this wicked soy based plan but I actually stumbled happily upon a foolproof process for dying the Tofu any lovely shade of _____ you lust after. Nothing like purple, or in this case pink, bits of delicious goodness strewn amongst your steamed veggies and brown rice noodles.

Okay – dying the tofu. Get a bowl, fill it with enough water to cover the tofu. Take out block of extra firm tofu and open, drain it. Cut the tofu in half lengthwise, then cube that baby. Medium sized chunks, do not chop. Everyone will stop being your friend. In the water bowl add twenty drops of your run of the mill grocery store food colouring. Stir with a non porous utensil.

Pink! 003

The water should be a very vibrant shade of whatever colour you use. Put tofu in bowl, make sure its covered. Leave for half an hour, pull out a cube before draining to ensure you have the intensity of colour you were aiming for. Once this has been achieved, drain it. Leave for a few minutes in the strainer to dry.

Pink! 004

Oh snap, your new party trick courtesy of me.

Alright so cooking tofu so it pleases even the pickiest of palates or those who for religious or social reasons have banned the 'fu.

Tofu is a sponge. It does not possess enough personality on its own (much alike some people I know) and therefore needs a little oompah courtesy of its food related compadres. Asian cuisine provides a plethora of herbs, spices and the like, tofu dated most of them in high school, it usually ended badly. Nevertheless my usual standbys are a mixture of the following:

1 teaspoon of minced garlic

1 ½ inch of fresh ginger root minced/grated

pinch of hot chili pepper flakes

drizzle of soya sauce

itty bitty super tiny smudge of Wasabi

three tablespoons of veggie oil

Possible adds: lemongrass (tread carefully), fish sauce (again, careful kiddos), Curry, Benito flakes, Wasabi, Marty hair – inevitably this happens whether I chose this as an ingredient or not.

Pink! 005

Alright, oil and junk in the wok. Tofu is drained and coloured if you chose to do so. Turn the heat to high, you want hot but don't burn the stuff in the wok dingus. Throw in tofu as soon as the garlic gets all warm and toasty and sear the tofu so a light crust is formed on all sides, toss as you wok. You want golden, even colour, you do not want black. When this is completed take out the tofu and drain for a quick minute on a paper towel. Then set aside in a bowl.

Stir-fry the rest of your veggies until cooked but crisp using only water. Add your sauce of choice and the cooked Tofu just to warm with the rest of dinner.

We're eating stir-fry Mother Fucker!

K loves depressing music. And Twilight. Both of which she occasionally forces me to attend with her and I oblige somewhat hesitantly because she's a great person, friend and I adore her. Case in Point: Lisa Hannigan, better known as Damien Rice's other half, haunting member of that uber beautiful and famous song from the movie 'Closer', title of track 'Blowers Daughter'.

We checked her out at the Mod Club in Toronto, March 1^st. Personally, too low key for me, yawnfest...until the very last song. Cover of an Iron and Wine song called 'Free Until They Cut Me Down'. I am still thinking about the goosebumps I got when I heard it live.

Here's the link to the video, same tour, different venue...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuKiVZgLJzQ

Progress? Some, not complete, not total but of course when one decides to overhaul their behaviours and life in general a great amount of patience and time is required. Time I have, patience is another learned behaviour that hadn't bothered to rear its ugly head until the present day. However, in some ways, impatience is a virtue. Or at least that is what I tell myself...

As for the other gender and the authoress...I do recall poking fun at Mister (the guy at work, I grovelled we made up after not speaking to one another for months) for moving very slowly with women. This is becoming painfully obvious that I too fall in this category of 'careful' interaction. I have asked him out for coffee, he is quite busy with both his day job and his after school job of interviews and documentaries, therefore I got blown off, which I called him out on. How could I not? I'm me!

Due to my rather scattered former thought process I didn't ever see Mister in this light before, then as soon as he was out of my life, I realized how big a part of it he was. Very usual for me to cut someone off completely and remove them in complete from my life without a second thought, only fleeting moments of anger or disgust. And this is where that got me. I suppose only some things can ever be mended. Sometimes I forget other people and their thoughts and feelings are involved with my life. Egocentric yes, honest, that too.

Due to my 27 years of unwavering and solid shunning of subjecting myself to normal heterosexual occurrences and relationships I am not well versed within this realm. And of course, I am uber impatient as well so this situation is doubly, possibly triply obnoxious. Perhaps I convinced myself relationships are a lot of work and usually some sacrifice, neither of which I accepted as reality. As mentioned by mother of evil (terrifically marvellous) married guy, whom I love and am close to and call my not-for-profit therapist; 'try to live in the now, Mick Jagger was right, you can't always get what you want.'

What? Seriously?This seems unfair! Why can I not make everyone happy, be successful, have a fairytale, be a good companion and partner to Marty the cat and also aim for world domination? Fuck!

Again this came up with Mister himself. Although we are two successful creative individuals the financial need for a day job does not lessen. Creativity doesn't pay. Moxie does, ambition does, talent does but sometimes no matter to the aforementioned. Money is needed to eat, to live, to enjoy life. No longer am I at the age, nor he at the age, to readily drop everything and become a starving artist.

Quite successfully he is flying around the world mainly on weekends, interviewing celebrities and eventually selling the finished product he presents to large media corporations. I, on the other hand still cannot keep up with the various commissions I get for jewelry. We're both up until 3 a.m., work nights, doing things we enjoy but won't pay the bills. As depressing as it seems, during the conversation I had a light bulb moment, if we didn't have our side projects how on earth would we release and explore our muses?

Aha!

I am so smart! Sure, there could be a better way, a friend spoke to me about grants, I am making progress on the website and Etsy and hoping next year of having a showing of art at a local gallery. Everything happens for a reason, surely I am on a path, with various forks protruding left and right, it's just the time it takes to explore all the forks. The universe is a strange thing, it surrounds us, provides all these paths and journeys, leads you this way and that. Roadblocks, detours, construction. Mister is a fork. Jewelry is a fork. Furniture is a fork. My god, even the cat has forks in his road.

Big weekend ahead, cousin getting married. When you are Ukrainian, alike me, it's a three day event at least. Mother should be arriving any moment now, we are shunning dinner and going for drinks, manicures and pedicures instead.

Love time with mom.

Maternity leave consistently causes me annoyances. I understand the need to breed, I totally get it. In fact, I one day plan on taking extended maternity leave to be with the lone gay male infant I produce, but that's besides the point. I, someone who isn't currently breeding, is subjected to difficult clients who I have now refused to work with and also a doctor who is obviously uninterested in taking any sort of care with another doctors patients. As mentioned before I went to the medical clinic to check out my hormone levels which have dramatically risen and fallen in stages over the past few years. I knew more about the syndrome than the doctor herself.

I certainly do not expect all medical professionals to just spurt medical journal entries on various issues left and right but with a chart as mine a little perusal beforehand may have been a good idea. Always be prepared, this does apply to medical professionals. Amongst others. So now without further diagnosis I have to once again provide a blood sample, ultrasounds and x-rays. These things provide little amusement or enjoyment however do not answer well to procrastination.

Last evening, I decided quite spontaneously to cook dinner for my friend K. This was of course on the recommendation via my therapist who does encourage me to actually make time for the things I enjoy doing. Yes, I did need to pay someone $110.00 an hour to tell me that. A few months ago I fell in love with a kitschy little apron I found in a boutique on College street. K bought said apron in trade, my portion of this swap being a meal. Life and all its variables gets in the path, my half of the transaction becomes distant and cloudy.

Therefore, seared herb crusted chicken in Alfredo sauce with roasted vegetables and pasta. A little olive loaf (bought that, I don't have all day to make bread) and strawberries with a mint, cracked pepper and balsamic vinegar reduction on vanilla ice cream. It was lovely and I am glad therapist suggested the task, something hopefully I can create time for in the future. Next week sometime I plan on creating another edible masterpiece for K again and another friend Mattie.

As mentioned I made a Balsamic Vinegar reduction and used on a whim cracked open my small bottle of Ceto Balsamico Di Giuseppe Giusti I had picked up ages ago. Infinitely worth the price. Very smooth and reduced easily. Also, I accidentally (on purpose) discovered by reducing as much as possible causes the liquid to candy. Over cold berries and ice cream therefore hardening on impact and voila – delicious little morsels of Balsamic-y goodness crunching about. Lovely but please use sparingly as the candied can be quite bold.

I have rid myself successfully of 85% of the head cold I was stricken with three weeks ago, all that remains is the pathetic hacking cough, surely made worse by the cigarettes. I picked up a herbal cough syrup called Nin Jion at the drugstore that works wonders! Also, a solid daily dose of Oregano Oil. Lately, more so because of my anxiety issues, I am quite careful of what I decide to subject my body to. Something about being an adult and being an anxious one at that. One can never be too careful darlings.

Work was work, still I remain with a promotion without proper job description. There has been research and thought starters presented and although some tweaking is am willing to give this employer another chance. It is a recession and my other personal research and development projects haven't exactly panned out as an upper tax bracket type of salary provider. One day kids, one day.

I wish I was Ziggy Stardust...it's a good gig if you can get it.

Ideally, I would desire to keep as much positive thought and aura around me. Riddled here and there amongst my issues. However last Friday I seeped deep again in anxiety, steeped like a tea bag. I could barely sit still throughout the movie I went with a friend to, Pirate Radio. Highly recommend. I want to marry Philip Seymour Hoffman and have his babies. He's chubby and hairy. Fine. Bring. It.

Anyway, back to feelings...all over the place last week, Thursday for the most part, quite satisfactory, Wednesday night well. It was my first solid week of five working days back to work, it was also unfortunately the week four, yes four of my friends and associates cancelled on me for various things. Leaving Foxzen with time on her hands and boredom, that my anxiety eats for breakfast, lunch and dinner and often also for brunch. I invented things to occupy myself with, reading in Starbucks one of them.

Saturday, still disarray. My mother was quite concerned but I snapped out of it on Sunday. Fine since then, but not a single reminder of old me. Lots of tea and menial tasks. Speaking of which...Wild Sweet Orange tea by Tazo. Go NOW and get it. Suggested by a lovely gay man at my local Starbucks as I was humming and hawing over the wide variety of teas they have available. Foxzen still off the caffeine and sugar. Splenda and herbal it is for now.

Reassuringly, today when I abruptly decided to Google anxiety and panic attacks and sure enough came up with a site that listed all the various variables that one can have whilst under this assault. I suffer sporadically from each listed. Fantastic! Promptly left a message for my therapist and will see her again tomorrow, do not think I am quite willing yet to see her every other week. So much up and down is exhausting but Mother brought up a valid point; perhaps my hormones are attributing to this constant roller coaster of emotion.

So I see the doctor on Wednesday at noon. A long while ago I suffered from something called Cushings syndrome, which essentially is the overproduction of the hormone Cortisol, the stress hormone. I had only a few symptoms and was prescribed birth control pills, and that worked. I am firmly against this type of thing normally for the mere instance that it's synthetic medication. I need to fix problems, not medicate them. Which is why my prescribed Lorazepam remains untouched.

Progress though, my planned powwow with Mister went well. We went for a walk and spoke quite candidly. He remains very hurt, his trust in me banished. To be honest we both handled the situation poorly but I do lack him in my life and we both acknowledged a connection. It doesn't aid that this type of thing has befallen him previously, been thrown away and then politely asked to return. Quite earnestly he said this was a pattern in his life. Baby. Steps. And then...Foxzen hopes more, then someone needs to find a new job. Whatever happens happens, I haven't completely given up on Marty luring Keanu Reeves to the condo as of yet.

Last Thursday, huge step in the Etsy and branding project I have been working on. I, like a fully functioning adult went on Godaddy.com and registered my chosen dot com, admitting total defeat in the foxzen.com fiasco. God, I loathe that Zachariah Fox. I shake my fist steadfastly and with venom at that nerd. I shall overcome one infinitesimal nerd to proceed on with my arrangements.

In addition I used the Custom/Alchemy section of Etsy to locate a web designer and individual for logo design. I cannot afford any of my friends friends and there aren't numerous designers in Toronto inclined to complete all this work for hugs. Astounding results! Much time this weekend and this evening spent on various portfolios and reading of fine print. Hopefully by the end of the year everything will be up and running. I do worry slightly about how candid I could be on that blog. My honesty is often a flyspeck much for some.

Censorship really hasn't been any supporter of mine and frankly, we have naught in common so why feign we're pals?

Autumn 2009 003

FUCKING GENIUS!

Last week a work friend brought in the latest edition of some upper crust home design magazine and the show home featured a Christmas tree for the pets. Since Marten already has original artwork (yes, that's an original Ollie Goldsmith on the wall above his dishes) I thought obviously this decorative addition would be a good investment. Marty is Persian though so technically he celebrates Ramadan but still...cuteness overload.

Fast Forward to this past Saturday and a trip to the dollar store, where, after three whole dollars I walked out with not only a MartyKat tree but decorations for said tree and small foil presents for the bottom of the tree. Possibly, most certainly, one of the best uses for three dollars going. Recession friendly and chic.

Marten will be accompanying me for two weeks to the farm for the Holiday season, I think I will bring the tree as well. I am slightly concerned however, Mother and I may be going down south for a week during this time...leaving my idiot brother to care for Mart. I may leave him with the neighbours, better yet, with my Godmother who has no children or pets! She shall take care of him like Mart was her own. 

Glad that's settled.